I missed last year so I’m feeling a little pent up. Again, I have very much to be thankful for but I still got a lot of problems with you people. The following is in no kind of order. I may have gone a little far so if you are easily offended you may want to go watch Elf. I tried to creatively use all the bad words I know ( constantly varied til I die) and all the writin skills I learnt
was awake for in High School. To my Mom,teachers and friends who passed 10th grade english I am sorry, DO NOT GO ANY FURTHER
Second the socially conscious crowd- please SHUT THE FUCK UP. Your thoughts aren’t off target but your level of action is weak. Your blogs, comments, tweets and facebook posts aren’t doing anything for your “victims”. Your interwhining is changing nothing. So get off your fucking phone and start leading some people toward a better life.
Advertisers- we get it women are super hot and sex sells but so does intelligence, beauty, strength and grace. You got our attention now take the high road, it’s never crowded and the people are cooler.Scientific,peer reviewed “studies”-I have been advised not to get started here but there is always next year
Walmart -Please leave our planet.
Anonymous Social Media Commenters- you are probably the most spineless sack of shit this planet has to offer. Look we understand that you have nothing to offer the real world and Walmart isn’t hiring but commenting about "dat ass" however inspiring you think it might be is not wanted and further pushes the socially conscious crowd. SHUT THE FUCK UP and go interact with some actual people in this thing we call the real world. Find some real people looking for
willing to accept your advice and see what you can do. Who knows you may develop a personality ,some class and help someone. Until then SHUT THE FUCK UP and quit hiding behind your keyboard.
#thefuckoutofeverythingyousay -I get it the hashtag is like a link into your subconscious.#Whatyouwantosaybutdonthavetheballs.Its kinda cool for social media #beingwatchedbybigbrotherandcontrolledbygoveremtrobots#walmart but its getting out of hand. How bout you just say what you mean, take sometime to compose a cohesive thought and write it without all the distracting subliminal text.#adultssufferfromadhdtoo#wearetiredofbeingdistractedfromthe#lookasquirel#isthatafootball#whatsfordinner#isitcoldout#point
The Term Box - This has pissed me off for a while. At first not so much, CrossFit still wasn’t a household name and Box was one of the terms we could use to see if we found someone like us. I admit to using the three letter word from time to time but truthfully it made me feel as douchey as wearing a speedo in Europe, yes everyone does it but you still look like a tool. If you are an affiliate/gym owner or devoted member, you can call your gym what ever you want. You are doing the work to make your house a home for people to do awesome shit. I salute you, the world is honestly a better place because of what we do. If you want to discuss Box operation lets do it, you’ll notice I never use the term but I may wear a speedo. Now if you’re new to CrossFit quit using the term just to sound cool. You sound like some David Chappelle skit on how to talk to CrossFitters. Fit Club is not a box, we are a gym and when the whole box thing jumps the shark we will still be a gym. We do gym stuff like lifting and dropping weights and gymnastics and running, jumping ,climbing and sweating you know the stuff they did in gym class before the main aim of physical education was to stop dodgeball and make everyone feel good about themselves. ( pretty effective huh).Evil Robots & Spam Marketing - First ,if you join a facebook group only to try and sell shit ( shoes, supplements etc) I fucking hate you with passion and conviction! We have gotten pretty good at identifying you but still I hope the third world hut you dwell in gets leveled by natural disaster.
Second, email spam,I get on average 100 real spam messages a day another 10 or so make it through the filter. One day I spent a little time (over an hour) unsubscribing from many of them but at a certain point I just decided I didn't want to waste any time saying no thank you (I actually didn't say it quite like that but its a family show). I know I can get a better spam filter, dummy email, not subscribe to lists or deals( I don't) but really why should we have to take measures to stop things we do not want in the first place. It just seems like chasing our tail because someone is being an obnoxious dick. Each new filter or strategy will have a chink in its armour these assholes will eventually get through. I get trying to get the word out on your product but I have had enough. All spammers and email marketers you are grieved. If you send me an email about your new kettlebell snatch protector or amazing box management software I am simply going to respond Fuck Off, please understand by fuck off what I mean is unfuckingsubscribeme #officiallyanewword from your list ,do not send any more communication and fuck off.Thinking Facebook cares. Once upon a time I worked as a server in a restuarant ( stop for one minute and let that image develop in your mind #flair #holiday cheer). The owner's only advice was - when you walk up to a table ,ask them how they are doing, they inturn will ask you how you are doing. No matter what.You are doing great, You may be tempted to tell them you are busy or you got a parking ticket,exam or cancer but don't. They dont care. They want booze,food and more free bread. Facebook is the same If you have had a bad day, feeling gassy,your ex is a lying/cheating/stealing sack o shit , your bacon is burnt or you just vaccuumed the house please stop. The internet is for smart assery, real stories of inspiration and sharing real information not your depressing inner monologue. Now I know I sound a little harsh and some of you think people really do care to hear about your shitty day. All of these people can be found on the attached list If you were ommitted from this list please just fill in the blanks. Punctuation and grammar -You may be in everyone elses head but I will not let you in.#originalgovtrobots
Almond M&Ms -MU-THER FU-CKERsCalling obesity a disease and other acts of government that erode our sense of personal responsibility and adulthood. Now before you think I’m that asshole trainer that hates people of too much weight, STFU. My grievance isn't with the people who struggle with a myriad of issues related to obesity and body image issues it's hard ,its unfair. I get it but you can change it and those efforts inspire me daily. My problem is with any type of system that moves to try an absolve themselves or anyone of personal responsibility. I understand a lot goes into it, its complicated and it is hard and I am sorry but you aren't going to stop a runaway train (public health) by playing the victim blame game. Obesity isn't a medical issue its a social one. Poverty and Privilege have more to do with obesity than any gene or disease. Kids growing up in poverty are fed shit from a system designed to fail on so many levels. You can shove your pyramids and dietary bootstraps up your own righteous ass. If you’re a kid and you are hungry you are going to eat whatever you can find. It's up to all of us sitting reading funny internet stories,searching hashtags, eating till we hurt and waiting to get back in the box to try out our new snatch protector to do something about it. Be a role model, work with kids, give time and money to those that work with the hungry,the homeless, the sick or anyone generally less fortunate than us. Coach sports, ask to help at recess or in a pantry, spend time with a kid that needs it and just be awesome, I promise you they will follow suit. I know that one person can't change a long held government institution but we can try. Good Holidays, Merry Tidings and Happy Fucking Festivus for the rest of us. There is no passion to be found playing small - in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living. Nelson Mandela